Anxiety is one hell of a problem...
September, 2022
Being an adult, living your life, facing lots of issues and keep challenging yourself, these are things that sometimes I'm tired to do. How can I not? sometimes when dealing with these kind of things, I'm asking my existence in this world
"Am I worth it?"
"Am I worth it to be happy?"
There's this thing that eating me alive, and I cannot let it out and it won't go. There's time, mostly at 2am in the morning, I'm wide awake or waking up just because of a bad dream or overthinking about my life, about how I feel, what I feel, and can I have a shoulder to cry on?
Sometimes I'm asking to myself "How are you feeling today?" and I cannot answer it anymore, even I cannot explain what I feel, numb.
It consume me alive,
There was one day, when I saw my closest friend crying, like literally out loud, and I got confused, I wish I can cry and express my emotions or feeling, but I can't, when I cried, it was just like a one drop of tears on my left eye, one tiny drop, and then I feel numb and stop crying, because I let the pain control me.
And suddenly it hits me, i realized I did not have a "home", not that I didn't respect my parents, I do love them so much, but sometimes when you are an adult, there are things that you can not keep telling them, because it's your stuff, and your problem, so you need to fix it, and adding to that, you're an adult, you need to be strong. But sometimes I forgot that I need an emotional support from someone special "a man" to be exact. But turns out, it will lead me back to my forever questions
"Am I worth it?"
"Am I worth it to be happy?"
"Do you think someone can love me that deep?"
--
Last night was another story, I thought of giving a chance to someone dear to me, but turns out, I'm afraid, cause the pain still there. How can I not thinking about bad things when someone dear to me, treated me like that?
I thought another chance, another chance, and another chance will lead me to a happy ending story, but to be honest I lead to myself to a statement "I don't deserve any kind of happiness" well it's because of me, the problem is in me, it's just to complicated.
Those nights full of "Please save me" it's getting weaker everyday, but no one can hear. You try to be there for everyone, to save everyone, but ended me asking yourself "who save you"
This is not a competitive thing, or want me to be the centre of attention, it's just a fact that nobody there, even a dear friend, not even bother to ask me, when I let them know that I'm not fine, no one actually care. So I don't want to blame anyone, but me. It's me actually...
It's just a note to myself, a reminder to myself that being alone is normal for me...
Save me...