Consume

Anxiety is one hell of a problem...

September, 2022

Being an adult, living your life, facing lots of issues and keep challenging yourself, these are things that sometimes I'm tired to do. How can I not? sometimes when dealing with these kind of things, I'm asking my existence in this world

"Am I worth it?" 

"Am I worth it to be happy?"

There's this thing that eating me alive, and I cannot let it out and it won't go. There's time, mostly at 2am in the morning, I'm wide awake or waking up just because of a bad dream or overthinking about my life, about how I feel, what I feel, and can I have a shoulder to cry on?

Sometimes I'm asking to myself "How are you feeling today?" and I cannot answer it anymore, even I cannot explain what I feel, numb. 

It consume me alive, 

There was one day, when I saw my closest friend crying, like literally out loud, and I got confused, I wish I can cry and express my emotions or feeling, but I can't, when I cried, it was just like a one drop of tears on my left eye, one tiny drop, and then I feel numb and stop crying, because I let the pain control me.

And suddenly it hits me, i realized I did not have a "home", not that I didn't respect my parents, I do love them so much, but sometimes when you are an adult, there are things that you can not keep telling them, because it's your stuff, and your problem, so you need to fix it, and adding to that, you're an adult, you need to be strong. But sometimes I forgot that I need an emotional support from someone special "a man" to be exact. But turns out, it will lead me back to my forever questions 

"Am I worth it?" 

"Am I worth it to be happy?"

"Do you think someone can love me that deep?" 

--

Last night was another story, I thought of giving a chance to someone dear to me, but turns out, I'm afraid, cause the pain still there. How can I not thinking about bad things when someone dear to me, treated me like that? 

I thought another chance, another chance, and another chance will lead me to a happy ending story, but to be honest I lead to myself to a statement "I don't deserve any kind of happiness" well it's because of me, the problem is in me, it's just to complicated. 

Those nights full of "Please save me" it's getting weaker everyday, but no one can hear. You try to be there for everyone, to save everyone, but ended me asking yourself "who save you"

This is not a competitive thing, or want me to be the centre of attention, it's just a fact that nobody there, even a dear friend, not even bother to ask me, when I let them know that I'm not fine, no one actually care. So I don't want to blame anyone, but me. It's me actually...

It's just a note to myself, a reminder to myself that being alone is normal for me...

Save me...

Sorrow

Sorrow...

She's been dealing with

A woman, trying to escape her reality, but she has to face it

A picture of her

She's a Paradox

Faithful, detached, committed and yet relax

She loves everyone, yet no one

Sociable also a Loner

gentle and yet tough

passionate and also can be platonic

Predictable in her Unpredictability

I know, i haven't post any of my photos since last year

These are my favorite photos, another favorite photos from last year.

One shot with lots of memory,

Have you ever think about love?

not to mention that i'm a dramatic or a hopeless romantic

but it was just a logical love, where you should bring in your life...

Love, is just a roller coaster

You know that right?

sometimes it will go up and down, spinning around

confusing us, sometimes you wanna puke

Love is our best lesson while we are alive

I learnt lots of thing from love, 

When we fall in love with someone

our significant, and when mother nature gave some lesson where you think you can't handle

hold on, both of you can't handle

When you are in pain, when you think this is gonna be the end of your life

But, you survive

Don't you ever think about that?

You learnt that, you'll find a light even when you are in the darkest place

You Survive...

Remember to be kind to everyone, even tho they put you down, 

put you down, enough to make you think that you are useless

but you are not

Me? i'm struggling with my insecurities, 

but you have yo say to yourself, that you are worth it

You are allow to cry, as loud as what your brain and heart saiys

Love will find you

in their perfect time,

and it'll be worth it

I promise

This is not the end...

It is Whats Happening

31st December 2018

What a year for me...

Sitting in the sofa room, where movies playing on Tv
and sounds of fireworks everywhere, like, its not even 21:00pm yet in my Hometown.

Throwback to end of April, where everything began, 

Not so good for Emotional, but really positive for Hard Skills

Still in a Rainy, gloomy season
where a story, i dont know, is it come to an end?

Then, it was earlier of May, when my Job wanted me to stay focus when everything was so Blurry & Unclear.
How can i ruined everything? well not everything cause some part created by him, 

Its a World War again...

In between my Blurry and Unclear kinda mood,
I learn lots of things, started from :

1. You have to focus when everything is fall apart
2. You have to manage your emotional when its come about your Job
3. Be Profesional when Life knocked you down

Well, its about Focus when your world are falling apart.....


19th July 2018

2 months later, 

When i thought everything was over, even tho i still tempted to touch it,
Then a simple phone call shocked me,then it was end up with Eyes seeing another eyes.

Is it a Sign?
Maybe God loves me that much, 

16th December 2018

5 months later, 

Again, when i thought everything was over
Fighting, with Anxiety and an unclear story
a simple phone call ruined my brain

As you know, then i end up with Eyes seeing another eyes, 

A completely up and down night, 
following by tears in the middle of 12:00am

Driving, and listening some stupid song on repeat
asking myself a question

"Where have you been this whole time, what are you doing?"

Then a simple thought came to my mind,

"Have you say Thank you to God? because you asked for it, then you get it, even tho it was over 5 months, but God answered it, Have you feel blessed even tho you ended up with tears?"

And all i know, 

"Sometime i feel like a dick or i dont know, Because God always answer my questions, always make me hapy, without even seeing all my Sins, that i have done"

What a year for me, 

Now it almost 01st January 2019

And, like another people i'm hoping for the same wish every year

Hope its getting Better than before, 
Not much, just a simple Happiness for my life....


It is Whats Happening