Suddenly, i thought that i'm the bad guy ever.. About everything that happened in my life, what i've been done to get it or to reach it, and all of those "things" ending with a crash or i'm the girl who always get in into trouble, and i'm the girl who lived in thousand of Wreck...
Everything's that connected with me is destroy, oh well, exactly is not them but me, i mean every time i try to do anything, or some stuff, it will be successfully falling apart, and that's convince my self, that totally i'm the bad guy, i'm the CRUSHER of every thing,
it always happen in my life, since i was born i guess,
So what happen with me? my life? its all messed up. is it the problem because of me or what? i thought when i moved here, it will be change, every thing will be different, like i hope it wouldn't be the same just like when i was in my home town, so that's why i try to re-new my mind, and trying to forget everything that happened when i was there, so i try to be a new me in here..
But i see it didn't change anything, it still me "The Crusher" of anything, well, guess because i try to be a new one, then that makes me fake in every thing,
Alright...! i try to be my self, but i still in my line, the crumble line, and it didn't change at all.. Well, that's funny because i try to believe that i'm a monster, or maybe there's a monster lived inside my body, sounds creepy....
First time, i thought that life treated me in a bad way, but suddenly i realize, its not the life, but its the destiny that created me as 'the bad guy', so that's why i hate my self, and guess what..?? it was me like few years ago, when i was in my home town, i kinda like this, i keep it in my mind, that i'm not worth it, i'm bad, ugly whatever is that, all the bad stuff is me, so then, when i moved here, and try to change everything, i think its working for a moment, i used to think that 'maybe i'm worth it' but now...?! what...?! since the "Dark side" of my life choose to stay inside of me, i guess i would never change to be the 'angel' or 'good guy' ever..!! i will never have my own story -*
And now, i try to stay away from people, before its too late, or maybe they're become my victim or something, cause i'm the bad guy ever, i met a lot of good people in here, and i know their life is perfect, well i know that there's no such a perfect person, i mean every people have their story, the bad story, but its not the same like me, Well, even they had their 'bad' stories after those bad things came up the good one, and this 'good one' never happen in my life, i guess i already decided that my life is a wreck, even from the boy that i love..
I met him one year ago, a.k.a Mr.N
I know, i can be my self, when i used to be with him, he's perfect for me, he teach me every thing, he treated me very well, until i've got a lot of shit came up from his mouth, and we're over now.. i didn't hate him, not at all, even after he said that 'i'm not his family type and he has a crazy feel with this one beauty girl' i choose to say its not his fault, and like i said i believe it was me 'the monster' and people whose connected with me will be destroyed slowly, when i used to think that (i wanna hang on from him, i will fight from him, i will do anything to make him happy, just do anything) is controlling my mind i'm doing anything, every thing to have the good, i try a lot of things to take him back, but since i realize that its me the crusher, now i will let him go and let him find a new one, because if he's keep staying with me, all i can see is his pain because of me, so i try to let him go...
There's few people said that both of us will be back again as one, but i just don't wanna hurt anybody anymore including him, including him.. the one who loved me for who i'm, i get crazy with the good dreams, that happened to my mediator, she had vivid dreams about me and him, even the dream is the happiest thing in my life, but all i see means nothing, maybe because its not compatible with reality, i try to keep my self away from him, if its the only way to see him happy without me, or keep an eye on him from a distance..
Even my best friend in here, i mean they're look happy without me, seems happy without me, so i don't wanna ruin everything, that's because i love them so much, until i realize that sacrifice is the only way, and keep them away from me is the better way to see all of those people happy...
when people read this.. Do you guys think i'm crazy or anything..?
because if you do, that's fine, its your opinion guys, and don't have to feel sorry about me, hahaa must be you guys don't feel sorry about me, i'm clumsy..
i forgot what i've to write and oh yeah..
You have to know, that its the girl, its me not someone else, i'm just me, i'm not copying someone else,
its just what i feel about my self, about who really am, i guess its the dorky me...
i mean sometimes, i'm act weird or something, or too childish, but what i feel, what i really feel about him or my best friend is real.. i promise its real..
love - The girl who lived in a wreck