January 13, 2013

Hello folks ! So, these few days i was just like "Losing my self, identity, mind, brain, interest, or every thing in anything..." have you ever feel about that things before? 
My heart isn't synchronize with my brain, even when i talked to people, laughed, sharing things and stuff.. I guess that i realize "Am so Empty....and i can't get over it" and i just feel so alone..

Have you ever felt like you've been abandon by someone, and you just tired, pretending everything is fine, well actually its not really fine, you pretend to smile and pretend that there's nothing wrong with your life, well actually its a total mess, and you can't even thinking about it anymore, sometimes you're crying out loud (i prefer in the dark) but sometimes when you're tired you just wanna scream, 

No offense but i'm so envy to every couple in front of (my eyes) their just sooooooo happy and i can't feel that, i just envy and it makes me down again, and then i wanna lock my self in my room, being in the middle of the dark, then here i go again - regretting - complaining about my life, my messy life...
I saw people success, smiling, happy, being pretty, handsome, or everything, i mean theirs so perfect well how about me? sometimes its just exhausting you know, 

Some may said that "Being happy is a choice" but think again, how about the others when they got a whole fucking sadness in their life, and they can't even feel the happiness, all over their life and i said "Being happy is a fucking fate for few fucking people" (no offense)

I'm so tired, exhausting, crying over the time, and slowly i have a lil bit, tiny thought from my mind that i got a disorder for my self, i found it lately in twitter, when accidentally i found it in xstrology and it said that "scorpio has their own disorder, and its called Paranoid Personality Disorder" and i'm like Whaaaaatttttt?! i don't even get it, what was that? its so fucking trueeeee, then i start to believe that? 
Oh c'mon ! don't be silly you're not.. pfffff !!!

and its related when i watched psychologist movie "Sybil" its a Dissociative Identity Disorder, sybil got an Eleven personality causes by her traumatic childhood memory, and i start to thinking how about me? i mean... Every human got a lot of personality in their body, mind, or their self, but it depends to them how to manage their personality, how to control it, how to make it to be one personality, and  start being crazy about that, 

Maybe...maybe.....just maybe..