Hola Febrero
People said its a love month, where couple can be serious, where couple can falling in love each other, or even where people can say "I love you" more than thousand times or million times...
Its not the point that i try to tell you, well it is but its another topic.
Have you ever feel alone, lonely, even though when you're with your parents, friends, or best friends? the feeling when you got so alone in your room or the "wake-up-feeling" where nobody's beside you when you usually had someone beside you, like everydaaay!!
Something happened and then suddenly you live you life just by your self, and all you can do is facing the truth, letting out your "Denial-Defense-Mechanism" pretend that everything is okay, or crying in the dark like eveeeery night while you're listening to some melancholic song. Well guess what?? i live in this bullshit drama, like right now, almost one year..
Another drama when you saw your friends busy with their private life, their "Happy-ever-after" moment and your friend trying to put you in their whole story, their perfect story (forcing you) i know..i know sometimes they act like "its for your own happiness" but still you feel like "I WANT MY OWN" but trust me! you can't do anything except facing the reality that happening to you ~ so dramatic..
Or you wait for your "Happy Ending" moment but no one is coming picking you up, getting you out from your messy life, seeing a dramatic movie and still thinking why you're not in the script? or why don't you just DIE or DISAPPEAR in the middle of nowhere..
And you start to thinking so skeptically and critically "What kind of life that you live right now?"
I know i shouldn't do that, because God made our story, or bla bla bla.. or bla bla...
I'am just being me ok, i'm being honest about what i feel, what i really wish for..
Should i care about it? should i worry about it or should i think about it?
Useless when i think about it, At least its for me.
I have a problem with "consistency" you know? you must be not now, how could i?
i can't even focus on my own promises, my own words, i can't even do what i said. Some people may do that, that's mean i'am one of those people, i mean like now. I promise that i wanna talk about it, talk about this "something", but when it comes i can't even do anything, i can't even think about what inside my brain,when it comes i realize it is makes me comfortable, that's mean it is the happiest thing in my life, but when its over, i felt like crap, a total crap, and be different for 180 degree's..
The funny thing is my "Happiest moment" - "Stupid Happiest Moment" happen only for few hours, yep only few hours in every week, or once in two weeks, and the greatest part of it is "in those weeks my heart will be pain in the ass" do you get it? and when it was happen i felt like i'm fine, like i don't have any trouble, problem or heart broken, but when it was over i can cry for a million reason, and wish for something impossible happen again, and i can have the good, should i say this is crazy? am i? i guess so...
That's what i mean by "can't even consistent" with my own words, i can be mad, angry, crying and cursing someone, but when it comes i can be a total jerk, a total mess. My brain is empty, i got a lot passion in it, i screwed up everything i planned, i'm losing my mind, i can't thinking or even remembering "The Plan A" or even "The Plan B" as i said, when it was over i can be a total jerk as usual and crying for million hours, be mad again, angry, cursing, feeling exhausted, but the point is i didn't do anything and i'm so FUCKED up, another "F" words after "Friday"
People lie even to you, even your best friends or your someone special, but you just didn't realize it..
So should i trust my own life?
I can't even find any answers... yet*