Should live in a Reality

Just like flowers in a Summer
They can't blossom without Sunshine,
its the same thing with human, who can't live without love...

I was just drowning in my own though in this end of July 2018, 
(I was just continuing my Blog, supposed to be written in December last year, which that day i stopped)

Things happened a lot, i got job, been there almost a year, 
It was fun & challenging, life asked me to get out from this dream, and live a reality
So much that i can learn in my work life. 

But this ain't gonna be the topic tonight.

This kind of feeling always come to me, every night, the feeling of want something back
The feeling of memory that happened to me, which i just want those good part
Actually his face, smile, the way he treated me, stuck in my head, and going round and round, and it can't stop
Like i want it back...

Started around 2 months ago,
it was my usual night with Mr. Always right
Drinking, having fun, having lots of fun, since we have changing a lot

And started that night, on Monday or Tuesday night, 
when his friend came, and they picked me up in my place.
when his action speak louder than his words, kinda miss that now...

we supposed to have fun that night, we did actually, but when they slept over in my place, 
then he changed the topic into something that i didn't like, His possessive attitude towards me, and his suddenly make story, like it was something that i did, well i don't, get my point?

That night turn into disaster, we had fight, for something that i didn't do,
like it was just his fear, and the stupid thing, another stupid moves that i did
makes him stay away from me...

Love is a mysterious thing that i can't control,

I can't undo someone in my life, i can't unlove someone in my life,

especially after this stupid 7 years, and he can't even see that, he said that the longest relationship he had is with someone, someone that i knew, meaning, tonight i understand,

then why am i here? what am i doing here?
fighting to get you back, while you shush me and cast me out

After 2 months, he came.
few days ago, called me, talked to me like nothing happened.
asked me to come, and here we go, doing another stupid moves.
with me the one who always give in...

AWKWARD

A Post Through Breakup (Part 1)

in a Rainy, Gloomy and Windy October...

A woman dealing with an end of a Relationship with her beloved one...

Which one is more hurting for you?
Which one is more dangerous for you?

Mentally or Physically?

- Mentally : when you got bullied by words, when you got knocked down by words, and when you feeling so desperate for help, cause you're drowning in your own thought, brutally bullied by words you can't even handle, and somehow that words killing you and makes you believe what should not you believe.

When you got bullied mentally, it took years to heal yourself, whether its a good healing or a bad healing..

mentally you're exhausted, you're keeping it for yourself, because you can't tell anybody how you feel or what you've been through.

- Physically : when you got bullied by Physic, physically you got beaten by someone and leaving you bruises, it hurts for the first time, but scars heal, skins have the ability to heal itself, but the bad news is, it leads you to a traumatic event and end up in a mentally phase. in other words, physically leads to mental problem.

When you got bullied physically, it also took years to heal, but the difference is you try to heal your heart, caused by the pain, your body got immune system, but your heart, no one can. 

So, mental is more dangerous than physic. 
Physic can leads to mental problem. 

A suicide for an example, suicide begins from a mental problem, either you had problems that you can't let it out, and it leads you to an option, to kill yourself, most people who killed themselves, having some issues and having the same reason, they're drowning in their own thought, which means they are mentally exhausted. Which means they are exhausted by the heart.

She's not saying that she's gonna kill herself, cause she's too smart for that...
She got an ability to heal herself, saving herself, from her own thoughts that bullied by someone she loves.
even thought at night she cries before sleep, mentally exhausted. The next morning she always pretend that she's fine..

Wounded by her beloved's words...

Can you imagine what some words mean to someone??

What possibly words can do to hurt you?

words leave marks, when someone hearing some bad words,

it'll goes to you brain, produce by the synaptic system and it'll divide which one is good and which one is bad...

both can goes to your long term memory,

but people tend to remember the bad one, why?

cause good stuff, good words makes everyone happy,

other way, bad words makes you sad, and human tend to remember the bad one...

People used to forget about another's heart,

and easily to say something that hurt you without thinking about another...

to be continued....

My Own Thought is My Own Sanctuary (Part 1)

06.15 pm
24th July 2017

The night when i get back from my Hometown almost midnight in a windy weather for a tropical country.
Before my flight at 07.30 p.m when i was inside the lounge, i saw a success and old wise man talking with another success almost old wise man about their jobs with their very very serious face.

I was busy looking until one of them calling my name and asked me to join in their seats.
and it shocked me, it was my Father with his friends.

Joining in their table, one of them reminded me about his offer that day, when i was seeing him talking about Business in one fine gloomy day in the middle of July, inside a Five-Star Hotel, and it was a very cozy caffe in the central of J-town called "Grand Cafe inside Grand-Hyatt Hotel, what a right place for a right Business. At least that was i thought.

giving my politely greetings, i answered and joined in their table. So does the conversation.
Deep conversation between us four, till one of his bodyguard said to us politely we need to take off soon, so we need to go to the Aircraft. 

Walking down the aisle into the Aircraft, i was thinking about our earlier conversation but not so much.
I was thinking about what happen with me 5 minutes later? is it too fast? of course the answer will be
"You're sitting in the Aircraft while enjoying your movie" / "You probably sleeping" / "You probably reading or else"  but no one knows. What happened with me 3 - 5 years later when i was 29? nobody knows.

I was sitting besides the window busy looking the "dark night with orange-ish" from those lamps look outside the Aircraft, such a view from my window, while dad sitting next to me and enjoying his first class treat form the very mature Flight Attendant, when this thought strikes me back "What happen with us? 3-5 years later?" and i was also busy thinking about night dreaming of ruling my own Business based on our "Not so Adult" conversation earlier in the Lounge, till i heard an unfamiliar voice from the speaker, saying and warning about the take off position and i realize it's the Flight Attendant voice, remind us to fasten our seat-belt as the speakers goes on talking i was too busy night dreaming about... 

My Own Thought is My Own Sanctuary

After 3 hours and 10 minutes flight, need at least four times back and forth to the bathroom, almost lost my gold love ring inside the Bathroom, and changing at least 2 movies, and finally hanging on to "ICE AGE - The Collision Course" at last minute. We finally arrived at this super busy Town as we known as J-Town and i need a very big heart to not remember what happened last time. What happened was Stupid, can i use this word? i can of course.

It was windy, and cold at 10.30 pm almost midnight, it was raining before we got here, need a medium walk to the baggage claim, thanks to my Royal Blue Manolo flat-shoes who makes me feel like a total Woman. While busy walking and did the Vlog thingy somebody texted me at this App called Line. That somebody was my close friend who accidentally cared about me a lot, and at the same time, this emotional thought strikes me again. Quickly think about being dumped but still giving those super sincere attention. Ignoring my friend's chat, and quickly move into my WhatsApp and texted his friend, since i don't have his contact, and decided to give him some of my "Real-Patient Attention" 

While the checklist not turning into blue yet, i was quickly change it into line, and looking into her chat, and that was shocking. I was completely flattered and shocking till it makes me smile, while holding my phone besides the baggage claim for our Departure and not hearing my dad's friend asked me about the Baggage. Her chat makes me talked to myself without knowing those judging eyes are looking at me.

Still flattered by her chat, i was trying to play it cool and looking once again and try to analyze and summarized the conversation. When talking about him, the Business that i told you earlier is gone, like keep it, save it for later, i have something more important to discuss now. 

She told me that he was in her room, with her husband talking, talking about me, asking about me, and she even told me that he wants me to go there from the Airport. That was a completely unbelievable statement, and unpredictable question. Got distracted by her message, not knowing that she called me by V-Call and i picked up.

He was there, he was sitting and waiting, he even talked, not in his direct way, saying "Please, come here" f.y.i he's not even drink.

Feels like got struck by lightning, i said that i don't want to, pretending that i was coming back alone without my dad and his friends, and i said that i was very tired and got so many baggage and i need to comeback to my Apartment and taking my car tomorrow, since i left my car in his place, which is my Ex-Homestay. Yep! We had the same roof, different room back then.

Driving along on the highway, where you can see those skyscraper and their beautiful lights made me change my mind, so i asked her, to tell him about me and my dad.

Entering my still new neighbourhood was giving me the sense of weirdness, in a scale 1 - 10 i'll choose 100.
I could not even think about anything, i was just happy with what i heard & saw. After taking care of  my baggage, and clean myself. I'm so ready to take a deep sleep, hoping someday it'll get better. 

To Be Continued...