Consume

Anxiety is one hell of a problem...

September, 2022

Being an adult, living your life, facing lots of issues and keep challenging yourself, these are things that sometimes I'm tired to do. How can I not? sometimes when dealing with these kind of things, I'm asking my existence in this world

"Am I worth it?" 

"Am I worth it to be happy?"

There's this thing that eating me alive, and I cannot let it out and it won't go. There's time, mostly at 2am in the morning, I'm wide awake or waking up just because of a bad dream or overthinking about my life, about how I feel, what I feel, and can I have a shoulder to cry on?

Sometimes I'm asking to myself "How are you feeling today?" and I cannot answer it anymore, even I cannot explain what I feel, numb. 

It consume me alive, 

There was one day, when I saw my closest friend crying, like literally out loud, and I got confused, I wish I can cry and express my emotions or feeling, but I can't, when I cried, it was just like a one drop of tears on my left eye, one tiny drop, and then I feel numb and stop crying, because I let the pain control me.

And suddenly it hits me, i realized I did not have a "home", not that I didn't respect my parents, I do love them so much, but sometimes when you are an adult, there are things that you can not keep telling them, because it's your stuff, and your problem, so you need to fix it, and adding to that, you're an adult, you need to be strong. But sometimes I forgot that I need an emotional support from someone special "a man" to be exact. But turns out, it will lead me back to my forever questions 

"Am I worth it?" 

"Am I worth it to be happy?"

"Do you think someone can love me that deep?" 

--

Last night was another story, I thought of giving a chance to someone dear to me, but turns out, I'm afraid, cause the pain still there. How can I not thinking about bad things when someone dear to me, treated me like that? 

I thought another chance, another chance, and another chance will lead me to a happy ending story, but to be honest I lead to myself to a statement "I don't deserve any kind of happiness" well it's because of me, the problem is in me, it's just to complicated. 

Those nights full of "Please save me" it's getting weaker everyday, but no one can hear. You try to be there for everyone, to save everyone, but ended me asking yourself "who save you"

This is not a competitive thing, or want me to be the centre of attention, it's just a fact that nobody there, even a dear friend, not even bother to ask me, when I let them know that I'm not fine, no one actually care. So I don't want to blame anyone, but me. It's me actually...

It's just a note to myself, a reminder to myself that being alone is normal for me...

Save me...

Sorrow

Sorrow...

She's been dealing with

A woman, trying to escape her reality, but she has to face it

A picture of her

She's a Paradox

Faithful, detached, committed and yet relax

She loves everyone, yet no one

Sociable also a Loner

gentle and yet tough

passionate and also can be platonic

Predictable in her Unpredictability

I know, i haven't post any of my photos since last year

These are my favorite photos, another favorite photos from last year.

One shot with lots of memory,

Have you ever think about love?

not to mention that i'm a dramatic or a hopeless romantic

but it was just a logical love, where you should bring in your life...

Love, is just a roller coaster

You know that right?

sometimes it will go up and down, spinning around

confusing us, sometimes you wanna puke

Love is our best lesson while we are alive

I learnt lots of thing from love, 

When we fall in love with someone

our significant, and when mother nature gave some lesson where you think you can't handle

hold on, both of you can't handle

When you are in pain, when you think this is gonna be the end of your life

But, you survive

Don't you ever think about that?

You learnt that, you'll find a light even when you are in the darkest place

You Survive...

Remember to be kind to everyone, even tho they put you down, 

put you down, enough to make you think that you are useless

but you are not

Me? i'm struggling with my insecurities, 

but you have yo say to yourself, that you are worth it

You are allow to cry, as loud as what your brain and heart saiys

Love will find you

in their perfect time,

and it'll be worth it

I promise

This is not the end...

It is Whats Happening

31st December 2018

What a year for me...

Sitting in the sofa room, where movies playing on Tv
and sounds of fireworks everywhere, like, its not even 21:00pm yet in my Hometown.

Throwback to end of April, where everything began, 

Not so good for Emotional, but really positive for Hard Skills

Still in a Rainy, gloomy season
where a story, i dont know, is it come to an end?

Then, it was earlier of May, when my Job wanted me to stay focus when everything was so Blurry & Unclear.
How can i ruined everything? well not everything cause some part created by him, 

Its a World War again...

In between my Blurry and Unclear kinda mood,
I learn lots of things, started from :

1. You have to focus when everything is fall apart
2. You have to manage your emotional when its come about your Job
3. Be Profesional when Life knocked you down

Well, its about Focus when your world are falling apart.....


19th July 2018

2 months later, 

When i thought everything was over, even tho i still tempted to touch it,
Then a simple phone call shocked me,then it was end up with Eyes seeing another eyes.

Is it a Sign?
Maybe God loves me that much, 

16th December 2018

5 months later, 

Again, when i thought everything was over
Fighting, with Anxiety and an unclear story
a simple phone call ruined my brain

As you know, then i end up with Eyes seeing another eyes, 

A completely up and down night, 
following by tears in the middle of 12:00am

Driving, and listening some stupid song on repeat
asking myself a question

"Where have you been this whole time, what are you doing?"

Then a simple thought came to my mind,

"Have you say Thank you to God? because you asked for it, then you get it, even tho it was over 5 months, but God answered it, Have you feel blessed even tho you ended up with tears?"

And all i know, 

"Sometime i feel like a dick or i dont know, Because God always answer my questions, always make me hapy, without even seeing all my Sins, that i have done"

What a year for me, 

Now it almost 01st January 2019

And, like another people i'm hoping for the same wish every year

Hope its getting Better than before, 
Not much, just a simple Happiness for my life....


It is Whats Happening 

Should live in a Reality

Just like flowers in a Summer
They can't blossom without Sunshine,
its the same thing with human, who can't live without love...

I was just drowning in my own though in this end of July 2018, 
(I was just continuing my Blog, supposed to be written in December last year, which that day i stopped)

Things happened a lot, i got job, been there almost a year, 
It was fun & challenging, life asked me to get out from this dream, and live a reality
So much that i can learn in my work life. 

But this ain't gonna be the topic tonight.

This kind of feeling always come to me, every night, the feeling of want something back
The feeling of memory that happened to me, which i just want those good part
Actually his face, smile, the way he treated me, stuck in my head, and going round and round, and it can't stop
Like i want it back...

Started around 2 months ago,
it was my usual night with Mr. Always right
Drinking, having fun, having lots of fun, since we have changing a lot

And started that night, on Monday or Tuesday night, 
when his friend came, and they picked me up in my place.
when his action speak louder than his words, kinda miss that now...

we supposed to have fun that night, we did actually, but when they slept over in my place, 
then he changed the topic into something that i didn't like, His possessive attitude towards me, and his suddenly make story, like it was something that i did, well i don't, get my point?

That night turn into disaster, we had fight, for something that i didn't do,
like it was just his fear, and the stupid thing, another stupid moves that i did
makes him stay away from me...

Love is a mysterious thing that i can't control,

I can't undo someone in my life, i can't unlove someone in my life,

especially after this stupid 7 years, and he can't even see that, he said that the longest relationship he had is with someone, someone that i knew, meaning, tonight i understand,

then why am i here? what am i doing here?
fighting to get you back, while you shush me and cast me out

After 2 months, he came.
few days ago, called me, talked to me like nothing happened.
asked me to come, and here we go, doing another stupid moves.
with me the one who always give in...

AWKWARD

A Post Through Breakup (Part 1)

in a Rainy, Gloomy and Windy October...

A woman dealing with an end of a Relationship with her beloved one...

Which one is more hurting for you?
Which one is more dangerous for you?

Mentally or Physically?

- Mentally : when you got bullied by words, when you got knocked down by words, and when you feeling so desperate for help, cause you're drowning in your own thought, brutally bullied by words you can't even handle, and somehow that words killing you and makes you believe what should not you believe.

When you got bullied mentally, it took years to heal yourself, whether its a good healing or a bad healing..

mentally you're exhausted, you're keeping it for yourself, because you can't tell anybody how you feel or what you've been through.

- Physically : when you got bullied by Physic, physically you got beaten by someone and leaving you bruises, it hurts for the first time, but scars heal, skins have the ability to heal itself, but the bad news is, it leads you to a traumatic event and end up in a mentally phase. in other words, physically leads to mental problem.

When you got bullied physically, it also took years to heal, but the difference is you try to heal your heart, caused by the pain, your body got immune system, but your heart, no one can. 

So, mental is more dangerous than physic. 
Physic can leads to mental problem. 

A suicide for an example, suicide begins from a mental problem, either you had problems that you can't let it out, and it leads you to an option, to kill yourself, most people who killed themselves, having some issues and having the same reason, they're drowning in their own thought, which means they are mentally exhausted. Which means they are exhausted by the heart.

She's not saying that she's gonna kill herself, cause she's too smart for that...
She got an ability to heal herself, saving herself, from her own thoughts that bullied by someone she loves.
even thought at night she cries before sleep, mentally exhausted. The next morning she always pretend that she's fine..

Wounded by her beloved's words...

Can you imagine what some words mean to someone??

What possibly words can do to hurt you?

words leave marks, when someone hearing some bad words,

it'll goes to you brain, produce by the synaptic system and it'll divide which one is good and which one is bad...

both can goes to your long term memory,

but people tend to remember the bad one, why?

cause good stuff, good words makes everyone happy,

other way, bad words makes you sad, and human tend to remember the bad one...

People used to forget about another's heart,

and easily to say something that hurt you without thinking about another...

to be continued....

My Own Thought is My Own Sanctuary (Part 1)

06.15 pm
24th July 2017

The night when i get back from my Hometown almost midnight in a windy weather for a tropical country.
Before my flight at 07.30 p.m when i was inside the lounge, i saw a success and old wise man talking with another success almost old wise man about their jobs with their very very serious face.

I was busy looking until one of them calling my name and asked me to join in their seats.
and it shocked me, it was my Father with his friends.

Joining in their table, one of them reminded me about his offer that day, when i was seeing him talking about Business in one fine gloomy day in the middle of July, inside a Five-Star Hotel, and it was a very cozy caffe in the central of J-town called "Grand Cafe inside Grand-Hyatt Hotel, what a right place for a right Business. At least that was i thought.

giving my politely greetings, i answered and joined in their table. So does the conversation.
Deep conversation between us four, till one of his bodyguard said to us politely we need to take off soon, so we need to go to the Aircraft. 

Walking down the aisle into the Aircraft, i was thinking about our earlier conversation but not so much.
I was thinking about what happen with me 5 minutes later? is it too fast? of course the answer will be
"You're sitting in the Aircraft while enjoying your movie" / "You probably sleeping" / "You probably reading or else"  but no one knows. What happened with me 3 - 5 years later when i was 29? nobody knows.

I was sitting besides the window busy looking the "dark night with orange-ish" from those lamps look outside the Aircraft, such a view from my window, while dad sitting next to me and enjoying his first class treat form the very mature Flight Attendant, when this thought strikes me back "What happen with us? 3-5 years later?" and i was also busy thinking about night dreaming of ruling my own Business based on our "Not so Adult" conversation earlier in the Lounge, till i heard an unfamiliar voice from the speaker, saying and warning about the take off position and i realize it's the Flight Attendant voice, remind us to fasten our seat-belt as the speakers goes on talking i was too busy night dreaming about... 

My Own Thought is My Own Sanctuary

After 3 hours and 10 minutes flight, need at least four times back and forth to the bathroom, almost lost my gold love ring inside the Bathroom, and changing at least 2 movies, and finally hanging on to "ICE AGE - The Collision Course" at last minute. We finally arrived at this super busy Town as we known as J-Town and i need a very big heart to not remember what happened last time. What happened was Stupid, can i use this word? i can of course.

It was windy, and cold at 10.30 pm almost midnight, it was raining before we got here, need a medium walk to the baggage claim, thanks to my Royal Blue Manolo flat-shoes who makes me feel like a total Woman. While busy walking and did the Vlog thingy somebody texted me at this App called Line. That somebody was my close friend who accidentally cared about me a lot, and at the same time, this emotional thought strikes me again. Quickly think about being dumped but still giving those super sincere attention. Ignoring my friend's chat, and quickly move into my WhatsApp and texted his friend, since i don't have his contact, and decided to give him some of my "Real-Patient Attention" 

While the checklist not turning into blue yet, i was quickly change it into line, and looking into her chat, and that was shocking. I was completely flattered and shocking till it makes me smile, while holding my phone besides the baggage claim for our Departure and not hearing my dad's friend asked me about the Baggage. Her chat makes me talked to myself without knowing those judging eyes are looking at me.

Still flattered by her chat, i was trying to play it cool and looking once again and try to analyze and summarized the conversation. When talking about him, the Business that i told you earlier is gone, like keep it, save it for later, i have something more important to discuss now. 

She told me that he was in her room, with her husband talking, talking about me, asking about me, and she even told me that he wants me to go there from the Airport. That was a completely unbelievable statement, and unpredictable question. Got distracted by her message, not knowing that she called me by V-Call and i picked up.

He was there, he was sitting and waiting, he even talked, not in his direct way, saying "Please, come here" f.y.i he's not even drink.

Feels like got struck by lightning, i said that i don't want to, pretending that i was coming back alone without my dad and his friends, and i said that i was very tired and got so many baggage and i need to comeback to my Apartment and taking my car tomorrow, since i left my car in his place, which is my Ex-Homestay. Yep! We had the same roof, different room back then.

Driving along on the highway, where you can see those skyscraper and their beautiful lights made me change my mind, so i asked her, to tell him about me and my dad.

Entering my still new neighbourhood was giving me the sense of weirdness, in a scale 1 - 10 i'll choose 100.
I could not even think about anything, i was just happy with what i heard & saw. After taking care of  my baggage, and clean myself. I'm so ready to take a deep sleep, hoping someday it'll get better. 

To Be Continued...

Just a Typical Words

02.30 am in the morning...

When i thought it's going to be my typical Fun Friday about chill & Netflix
Suddenly change by this sudden & unwanted sensitive, negative emotion produced by an unwanted stimulus and spreading this serotonin hormones. 

Your words cut me down, through my bones, stick under my skin & leaving me a new broken ribs.

Proverb said :

 " A Smart person knows what to say, A wise person knows whether or not to say it "

And according from what you said to me this night, 

To be honest, change my perspective about you, Change the perspective about us and what we had...

I've never ever felt humiliated before

And i've never thought you were going to compare myself with your "perfectly & have everything-future wife"

" Words don't have the power to hurt you

Unless the person who said them means a lot to you"

Thank you anyway, for the kind words..

That's fine

I get used to it with everything you said or did to me.

Just like what i always thought

" It's just my Typical Day "

" It's just our Typical night "

" And it's just your typical words "

Love,

- A -

Nisi in Defectum

Nothing but a Failure


Have you ever felt like you're state of mind in the middle of nowhere?
not on earth, or heaven.
You felt like you don't belong to no one
Not even every single person on earth

I know that i couldn't blame anybody / my life.
Well, it's only my self to blame.
It's more like my fault.
I failed

Have you ever seen yourself like a mess?
A total mess?
Even you can't fix yourself
You're the one who sees yourself a mess, including inner circle of your life.

The type of "need someone to save you" not in a material way, 
But more like "save my psychologist way" 
To be honest, "Invidia" eating me slowly followed by "Ira, Avaritia & luxuria"
But i just feel lost, terribly lost

Something That I Can't Even Explain

Rainy weather in the end of June

Wednesday night when i was in the car, and savouring the drizzling rain
looking through my window pane, when i can see clearly the raindrops

Here comes the thought about me being free.
About me being free from my burdens or tears.

Earlier today when i was lying down on my bed, 
and decided to see something which has become a habit
I was in shocked, not a massive one, but still in a shocked. 
Need a moment to analyse and finally end up with a final conclusion

That your "smile" mean something.

Something that happened only when you're with me.
That smile you showed me only when you said that you are totally in love with me.
Smile that leads your deepest feeling to me.

Once again i looked in that picture, and i hate when my instinct goes right!
That looked in your eyes and smile on your face that day totally mean something

Sometimes i forgot that you're not with me literally 
I was mesmerised by those brown eyes that looked so intently into her own, spellbound by your glare
and too fascinated by your unpredictable behaviour that leads me into a quandary.

Lead me into Happiness also Despair 

In between this drizzling rain, cold weather and quiet atmosphere in the car

Even when my cousin talked to me.

I still have those thought about " How happy you are " & " You looked fine ". 

And once again i tried to make sure, that maybe, just maybe i had the wrong vision about your smile,

But my perception told me once again, that i'm wrong, totally wrong. 

Sincerely in love. 

What's hurt the most?

I can't even explain what exactly my reaction to this, or how i feel about this.

All i know is i'm struggling, suffering.

But one thing that confused me sometimes was 

You're the only one who can make me happy after you made me cry. 

Tell me, please tell me.

What do you want, what should i do?

Cause it's hurting me.

Those are thought that made me down on my knees every single night,

and those are the same reason that made my tears falling down.

Hope

Strength

 Sincerity

& 

Honesty

That makes me feel alive, every time i spent my night with tears.

Hoping that maybe someday, you finally realize that 

No one gonna loves you like i do, besides your mom. 

Good Night

Love

A 

Intoxicated By Hopeless Romantic

You got me

INTOXICATED

 

 

 

  

Hidden Away

She was like the moon part of her was always hidden away

 

It's been really hectic days since The first page of 2016 from 365 days.

First week of January i've my Thesis Proposal deadline on 8th and it's kinda stressing but i'm excited either.

Feels like i'm gonna love it and hate it at the same time.

And hope this year bring happiness and going well, 

Pass my thesis trial at mid year, and graduation at the end of this year. 

Nah ~ Let's change the topic since Thesis stressing me out already. 

Today i want to share a lil bit glimpse of what's going on in 2015 from Azhalea's Life. 
So things been change a lot in 2015. 

2015 was quite stressful but i also found another strength, another lesson from what life has taught me. 

And since someone said that i can't post more about what i feel.  

Cause, maybe it's bugging him anyway, of course! i didn't do it on purpose. 

Writing is the only way to express my feeling, 

It was fun and i found it quite entertaining also comforting, 

And from the deepest of my heart, 

i say sorry for ruining everything, I didn't mean it. 

But guess, you wouldn't try to understand me either, since you threw me, and you choose the other way. 

So all i can do is writing and crying.  
That's exactly what i feel And btw It's hurt tho, i'll pretend to be okay. 

So if both of you wanna laugh, mock me or already laughed at me. 

It's okay, i already get used to it. 

I know where i stand right now, that's why i can't do anything. 

So this is the only quote that i want to share with you 

Thanks anyway :)

Right now,

I'll try to understand you once again and follow everything you want me to do..

Hope i can do it,

( cause right now, this burdens getting harder and harder than before, thought i can't make but i just don't know )

Alright, 

Enough for the talking and here's some pictures of 2015

 

 

 

 

I have lots of pictures but i can share it another time. 

Love - A